Crisps

I love crisps of all kinds. Today I made one with pears. I love pears and raspberries together, and apples and cranberries together, but I think my most favourite is a peach crisp.

I make all crisps the same - give or take a tweak here and there.

I put the fruit in a oven proof pan, at least 3/4 full. If it is sour fruit or berries I sprinkle either sugar or honey on them, otherwise I don't.

The topping for a 8 inch square pan is 2 cups dry ingredients: I usually use 1 1/2 cups rolled oats and 1/2 cup brown rice flour (or 1 cup oats and 1/2 cup ground almonds, 1/2 cup brown rice flour);
a pinch of salt; some cinnamon; some sugar (depending on sweetness of fruit); melted butter enough added to make dry mixture moist (it's 1/4 to 1/2 cup or more).

Mix all together and pat on fruit. Cook 325 to 350 F for about 1/2 hour.

A symphony of beauty

The highway from Thunder Bay to Marathon. I love driving it alone. It is such a symphony of colour and texture, of up and down hills, and left and right. I really got to drive (to use the steering wheel).

I spent the day with Marathoners......sitting in the silence of no thoughts.....give or take a few thoughts that roamed through searching for a place to land. It is so magnificent to share space and share insights with people who want to just play with beingness.

To discipline or not.

I don't like the word discipline. It sounds hard and I resist it. I have tried to discipline myself to do all kinds of things: sleep less, eat less, eat differently, meditate, exercise, to be non-judgemental, etc. And it hasn't ever worked well. I can for a while but then it fades and I feel bad. I failed.

I notice that when I really know why I am doing something, absolutely why this is right for me, on my own authority then it works to do a discipline. And I can't even call it a discipline. It is just something I do.

The absolute internal understanding of "why" is the most important part. It is not just an intellectual thing. You also know it in your bones. The rest follows. You read and talk to people, you test out, and you find out for yourself what works for you.

We don't usually do this. There are so many authorities out there and we follow. Follow your own authority. Who says that you are not wise enough?

We have to find out what is agreeable to ourselves, what nourishes us. We need to learn our rhythm. When we do things which we don't understand or which we don't completely see the significance to our lives then it becomes a discipline and a burden. And we resist burdens.

Find out why you eat this. Find out why you exercise and why you walk. Why you do this job. Find out why you meditate. Then, there will be no resistance and it will be a spontaneous action that springs forth from understanding. And it will be easy to do what you want.

Orange pumpkin

Pink pumpkins

I notice as Thanksgiving and Hallowe'en are on the horizon that magazines and papers are giving decorating ideas......to paint our pumpkins white or pink?! I know there are naturally white punkins' so just grow or buy a white one - but what's wrong with having a plain, old, ordinary orange pumpkin on the stoop?

I love ordinariness. Do we always have to do something different? more? Let's learn to love the simple, the natural, and see it with new eyes.

Breathing

There is nothing more soothing than watching the breath. It's like sitting with my best friend. The breath flows in, the breaths flows out. Nothing I need to do. Just sit. Just watch. It is a deep constant presence. The rhythm of me. And the rhythm of the whole universe. I feel centered and secure. At the bottom of the breath right in the bottom of the pelvis I no longer can think. All opinions and ideas drop away and I am left empty. And then I am full again with the inhale and a thought or a noticing of something. And then again an emptiness dancing.......just like the waves at the beach..........

What am I?

I think I am having a crisis of some sort. Nothing on the surface that anyone can see. It is internal, like something big is going to change in my life. Part of me wants to just keep doing the same things I always do because it is safe and known. I feel too busy to be myself. I feel too busy doing the "story" of me rather than being "me". I feel that if I just had enough time to figure out what I am supposed to do with this one precious life then I could go ahead and do that. I know that is not true. It's not about time. It's not about knowing "supposed to do". So, what is it about?

Is it about dropping my story? The story of my life.....what I was taught to believe about me.....what I am supposed to do and be. I don't know who I would be if I didn't know who I was! My own story grabs my attention more than the internal bliss that I know is available at all times. I think it feels even worse because I truly know there is more, so much more. I hang out with my meditator buddies at retreats and there is instantly uncaused joy. Joy flows everywhere and I feel so grateful to be alive.

Something about the everyday life feels so restrictive because......because.....because? It is my choice how to live so I am the only person who can change this. What can I do to be who I truly am? I know meditation works. And it works really well. So, why don't I do it all the time? Why do I sit here writing a blog? Why do I read about living well rather than living well? I feel like shedding my skin and shedding more skin and being empty to start all over again. A fresh start - how cool would that be? If I could live my life over again what would I do?

I would live more simply. I would meditate more. I would hug more. I would sing. I would dance. (And definitely as if no one is watching). And what about making enough money to eat and to have a roof over my head? I don't think my singing and dancing would cut it. I could be a professional hugger :)

And what about being a meditation teacher then? Hmmm, what a novel idea. Teaching something that can't be taught. I thought I wanted a simpler life.

I think I am seeking a truth so profound that it can't be spoken. I want to abandon that which is no longer necessary. Then resting back in the essentials. The truth without the fluff. I want to ask the questions:
what is really happening right now? what is "this", meaning "me", without the story?
what do I really love?
what is my true nature?
how can I serve?
how can I love more?

All these questions draw me inward to that quiet, sweet place which is full and rich, infinitely loving, joy, peace, gratitude......surrendering with my whole being to that - which is eternal.

What is it that stops me from allowing this closeness to be ever present?
I am tired of other people's answers. I want to find out for my self. I only want others to tell me when I am not following my truth. I love the Leonard Cohen song...."Everybody knows......"

I know I don't.