Wednesday, 14 February 2018

A simple life

In the last week I've slept 11 hours straight every night. Awwww, how lovely it is to feel rested with no hurry worry in the mornings. Though I have been busy. Tonight everything is empty in my mom's apartment. It's clean enough for viewing to new tenants. With papers everything is done what can be done right now. Thankfully my mom led a simple life. Since she had already cleared out "stuff" when she left Australia she had very few things. And she was never a gatherer of stuff. No extra dishes or linens or papers. My house is a little full at the moment with all kinds of things I couldn't part with and no one else wanted. I'll sort it out later.

I'm leaving for Montreal in the morning. To see Minna, Jon, and little feisty Alice. My bag is packed.
I don't really have time to miss my mom at the moment. I think she would be pleased how everything is unfolding and coming together.

My dad passed away a long time ago and I never feel like he has passed away. I don't have a sense that he is gone. I just can't see him any longer. It feels the same with my mom. That pa and ma energy still exists and it's a very beautiful thing.

And I am the matriarch of my family. I hold the wooden spoon now.

Be well everyone!

My mom on her wedding day in 2012 in my garden.

Sunday, 4 February 2018

The rhythm of life and death

My beautiful mom passed on Friday evening.
Please do not be sorry for my loss. I have not lost anything. Instead I have received such infinite love and peace, that it overflows out of my heart

This experience has changed my life forever. Revelations. Love. Peace. Gratitude. Acceptance. Huge gifts. Healing through and through. My mom and I. Together.

Her living room was our sanctuary. When she passed with me gazing at her I hadn't slept for over 60 hours. We had a rough patch at night and I had given hell. No one was messing with me. I had a job to do. I was a midwife and we had a rhythm. My mom worked hard on her last day. A consistent rhythm of breath. Like a shaman's drum. After 9 consistent hours the beat ended. It was done.

The beat goes on in me. Literally. I felt like I was passed the torch. In this case it was a wooden spoon. I hope you're curious.

Thursday, 1 February 2018

Veer right!

What I said yesterday about never should do alone? I used bad vocabulary for one thing. And another today I would say I’m happy alone. I’ve got my hospice legs under me now.

I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

I may not write soon. I d rather focus now. Hang out with mom. Day or night she notices if I’ve left the room


Wednesday, 31 January 2018

Up the mountain

What a day!
I was at my best. This morning I looked around the living room and was astonished to see the mess. It was only 8:30 am. Blankets and pillows flung onto the floor. Soiled sheets rolled into a big bundle. My mom crookedly in the bed. But sleeping. Briefs piled. Wipes. Kleenex. Toothettes(those little sponges you swab a mouth with). Garbage precariously piled in a way too small vanity garbage can. I hadn’t brushed my teeth the night before. But I had flossed.
I felt like a fool , a fool with a cold, starting to climb Mt Everest. Oh yes, no training. Ever.   Obviously I kept going once I looked around me and especially since I asked myself how soon can I make this funny?

My morning up to 2 pm was soooo busy. People coming and going. Waiting for phone calls, deliveries. Someone brought me food and went on a run to Walmart because there were so many thing we didn’t have. Tonight I’ve got rhythm going. No more mess but it took all day to clear. It reminded me in many ways of being a first time mom and on your first day alone. Scary. Clutzy. No time.

I was told, but I would never have believed how busy it would be. And I would tell someone never to do hospice alone at home.  You need more than one. I have more but no one to do part of 24/7. When help leaves I am everything. Phone numbers beside me. A timer to wake me for injections. Vials and notepad to record.

My mom can’t swallow, sleeps most of the time. And looks amazingly cute. She is peaceful. I am peaceful. It’s way past my bedtime. Waiting to give drugs in 15. Ah, then the couch which molds perfectly under me.

It’s lovely to talk with palliative care people. We chat. We share ideas. I tell a story about how it went this morning and I make them chuckle. It’s our work together. We’re midwifing my mom back home now. It’s time to go back now.

No heaviness in conversation about the imminent passing, or sorries. Only listening. Open hearts.
What a gift that I can be here now.
And yeah, I’m good now on the climb up the Mountain. I will forget the struggle part eventually ( I was told this too)

(I am blogging on my phone now so I hope there aren’t any weird words)

Tuesday, 30 January 2018

It's time.

I'm now permanently based at my mom's.
It's been a super busy day. I can hardly wait to lie down soon.
Visitor's: Dr. B., Nurse E.  and the case worker from Ccac.
We have a hospital bed. Mom didn't look too happy about that.
My brother is sick in bed with what I've got.
Don is getting dizzy with instructions.

Anyway, here we are.
It's funny when something life grabbing is's hard to see it in any perspective. Perhaps that's what muddles us up, always looking for perspective. Maybe if we just stayed in life grabbing moments, no matter what they are, life would be smoother, easier. It's tough trying to make sense of things.

Sunday, 28 January 2018

Strength leaving

My mom lost all strength tonight. In her arms. Legs. Belly. Don and I managed to get her into bed. Even now she expresses gratitude and is peaceful. She is losing her voice and can’t swallow well. I have the same raspy voice. I have a wicked cold. Sleeping on the couch.

We knew soon something would change. It’s still a bit alarming. It’s the unknown.

Thursday, 25 January 2018

We take care of each other

Don surprised me yesterday with a delicious lunch. Yum! I felt like a queen as I was hungry as a bear when I came home.
As we take care of each other.........I know there is something profound to say.........I appreciate, I love.......
I remember when a friend's brother died young, before middle age, and he had needed a lot of care by his family in his last years, There were few people at the funeral but it was very moving. The minister pulled tears out of all our hearts because he said when we take care of someone in the way this man had been taken care of, that a strong bond is created between each other. I'm feeling that bond between so many people as I am taking care of but so many people are taking care of me too.

I didn't want to leave my pyjamas this morning. Yet, as the day moved along, I rode on the day buoyed by simple things: smiles from strangers, email hugs, coffee with an out of town friend, my two guys (Don and my brother), one with supper, the other with dishes.

Now I'm back in my pyjamas. Nothing profound here. Yet there is: this one step at a time, one day at a time living. Knowing that tomorrow morning everything may have changed.
Dr. B. made a home visit yesterday. My mom said to him that she is happy. And that every night she clasps her hands together and prays that she won't wake up in the morning. Then, morning comes and she says "I'm still here!"