Up the mountain

What a day!
I was at my best. This morning I looked around the living room and was astonished to see the mess. It was only 8:30 am. Blankets and pillows flung onto the floor. Soiled sheets rolled into a big bundle. My mom crookedly in the bed. But sleeping. Briefs piled. Wipes. Kleenex. Toothettes(those little sponges you swab a mouth with). Garbage precariously piled in a way too small vanity garbage can. I hadn’t brushed my teeth the night before. But I had flossed.
I felt like a fool , a fool with a cold, starting to climb Mt Everest. Oh yes, no training. Ever.   Obviously I kept going once I looked around me and especially since I asked myself how soon can I make this funny?

My morning up to 2 pm was soooo busy. People coming and going. Waiting for phone calls, deliveries. Someone brought me food and went on a run to Walmart because there were so many thing we didn’t have. Tonight I’ve got rhythm going. No more mess but it took all day to clear. It reminded me in many ways of being a first time mom and on your first day alone. Scary. Clutzy. No time.

I was told, but I would never have believed how busy it would be. And I would tell someone never to do hospice alone at home.  You need more than one. I have more but no one to do part of 24/7. When help leaves I am everything. Phone numbers beside me. A timer to wake me for injections. Vials and notepad to record.

My mom can’t swallow, sleeps most of the time. And looks amazingly cute. She is peaceful. I am peaceful. It’s way past my bedtime. Waiting to give drugs in 15. Ah, then the couch which molds perfectly under me.

It’s lovely to talk with palliative care people. We chat. We share ideas. I tell a story about how it went this morning and I make them chuckle. It’s our work together. We’re midwifing my mom back home now. It’s time to go back now.

No heaviness in conversation about the imminent passing, or sorries. Only listening. Open hearts.
What a gift that I can be here now.
And yeah, I’m good now on the climb up the Mountain. I will forget the struggle part eventually ( I was told this too)

(I am blogging on my phone now so I hope there aren’t any weird words)