Longing

My mom called me again today. Apologetically. since I've spoken with her every day this week and we usually talk once a week on Sundays. I felt her longing to be closer to us. It reminds me of my own longing. For connection. For more family. For freedom from my imaginings. For clarity. Or something like those things. Words don't help.

My mom used to tell me the story of when we first arrived in Canada, when I was two months shy of my second birthday. She said this was a dreary, dark, and miserable place in March. And as she and I were on a bus one day, I refused to leave the bus, and I lay on the floor of the muddy bus, kicking and screaming for my grandmother. I wanted my granny to come. I missed her. She had lived with us in Helsinki and taken care of me when my parents worked. She was my dearest friend. I had on a white snowsuit. My mom must have been mortified as she hauled me off the bus. The next time I saw my granny, my mummo, I was 18 years old. The longing is now in my imagination but I can still feel for the little girl who hollered on the floor of the bus.

There has always been a longing by someone. My husband came from Finland to live in Canada. His family left behind. My mom moved to Australia. Even though I have cousins I know some of them only slightly. My girls have only two cousins and they live in Finland. However, my girls are fortunate to have found mates who have big families. There is something so magical in a big family. The first time I encountered a big family was my boyfriend, Pierre's big, big French-Canadian and Ukrainian family. I was 17 years old. I couldn't keep the relationships of everyone lined up in my mind. I kept asking how everyone was related. And the kissing and hugging that went on! I was really blessed! They tucked me under their wings for many Christmases.

I love my soliitude. I protect it. I love that there is Skype. I love that there are phones. And all my wonderful memories. I love the moments with my family. Sometimes I feel i don't make enough of them. I don't always know how. There are so many expectations in the world. What would it be like to have no expectations? Wonderful, I think. To just be with what is in the moment. To just be with who is here in front of me. Grateful for everything as it is. I think we learn to long, to miss, to expect. Maybe it's okay. Maybe it can be easier. Maybe it just is that way. I know nothing except that I feel really good right now - talking about it.

the girl's grandpa in Finland.