What am I?

I think I am having a crisis of some sort. Nothing on the surface that anyone can see. It is internal, like something big is going to change in my life. Part of me wants to just keep doing the same things I always do because it is safe and known. I feel too busy to be myself. I feel too busy doing the "story" of me rather than being "me". I feel that if I just had enough time to figure out what I am supposed to do with this one precious life then I could go ahead and do that. I know that is not true. It's not about time. It's not about knowing "supposed to do". So, what is it about?

Is it about dropping my story? The story of my life.....what I was taught to believe about me.....what I am supposed to do and be. I don't know who I would be if I didn't know who I was! My own story grabs my attention more than the internal bliss that I know is available at all times. I think it feels even worse because I truly know there is more, so much more. I hang out with my meditator buddies at retreats and there is instantly uncaused joy. Joy flows everywhere and I feel so grateful to be alive.

Something about the everyday life feels so restrictive because......because.....because? It is my choice how to live so I am the only person who can change this. What can I do to be who I truly am? I know meditation works. And it works really well. So, why don't I do it all the time? Why do I sit here writing a blog? Why do I read about living well rather than living well? I feel like shedding my skin and shedding more skin and being empty to start all over again. A fresh start - how cool would that be? If I could live my life over again what would I do?

I would live more simply. I would meditate more. I would hug more. I would sing. I would dance. (And definitely as if no one is watching). And what about making enough money to eat and to have a roof over my head? I don't think my singing and dancing would cut it. I could be a professional hugger :)

And what about being a meditation teacher then? Hmmm, what a novel idea. Teaching something that can't be taught. I thought I wanted a simpler life.

I think I am seeking a truth so profound that it can't be spoken. I want to abandon that which is no longer necessary. Then resting back in the essentials. The truth without the fluff. I want to ask the questions:
what is really happening right now? what is "this", meaning "me", without the story?
what do I really love?
what is my true nature?
how can I serve?
how can I love more?

All these questions draw me inward to that quiet, sweet place which is full and rich, infinitely loving, joy, peace, gratitude......surrendering with my whole being to that - which is eternal.

What is it that stops me from allowing this closeness to be ever present?
I am tired of other people's answers. I want to find out for my self. I only want others to tell me when I am not following my truth. I love the Leonard Cohen song...."Everybody knows......"

I know I don't.