Gray to yeah!

i am craving colour today.
It is a gray day. Quiet. A non weather day. (Nothing untoward to talk about.)
It's a Monday.
I think I should either get up and dance to Dublin to Delhi (I like their beat), or lie down and meditate under the covers. Either one will dissolve the gray day in my mind and body. There is no reason to stay in the gray - on any day.

Log jam

Hello my friends,
I just spoke with a woman who has been reading my blog. She phoned to see if I was okay - because I haven't done it daily like I used to.  She has the most lovely sense of humour and she makes me howl with laughter, during and also after our conversations. Bless her heart for sharing this little story with me today. Someone knew a poet who wrote a poem every day of his life. When he was in his 80's or had he written every day for 80 years, no matter, someone said to him that he must have a huge amount of fabulous poems. Like, wow! The poet just said he had to lower his standards. Oh so funny! What a lesson for me. You never know where the juice comes from. And I feel all juiced now to write.
I even feel a bit of verbal diarrhea coming on.

So, there is no other way to get out of my head muddle except to do it physically. I walked yesterday. It helped a lot. Then I cleaned, well not really cleaned like scrubbing anything, but sorted out papers in the office, got rid of extra soap bits and bottles in bathroom, filled two blue bags with magazines (I did spend some time flipping through them, which was the fun part), and brought 3 bags of stuff to the thrift shop. And then I sat and had a shot of  maple whiskey and took a bath. I was so warm and toasty going to bed. It is one of the most lovely things to clean out stuff.

However, when I clean out stuff in the house, I also start to see more stuff, like the stuff shoved into the closets, or the stuff behind the stuff I just got rid of. So there is more. It's the same in my mind. I notice some thoughts, I mean really notice them. I find that sometimes thoughts are out at the side of my head. I know they there but almost out of reach of my peripheral vision. I know the feeling when they come to the front part of my head or mind. It's like yeah I knew that all along but just didn't want to acknowledge that I thought that. Or did that. Is that denial? Hmpf! Occasionally it's like a log holding back the water in a river and when you take it out, whoa, water just flows like crazy. So, mental blocks seem like that too, something just held back and then whoosh, here we go again.

In the last few weeks I have been noticing that we are a society of dismissers. I don't know how far into the culture or countryside this goes but from where I am standing I see a lot of dismissers. When someone shares something the other person first looks at what's wrong with it. "That can't be true because....." "No, that's crazy" "You're deluded"  "You're too naive" "I know something better". If we were little kids again what we might say is "Really?" "How cool is that" "Can I try that too?" "Wow" "Let's do it" "I would like to read that too" or any number of magic affirming words.

Well enough?

I have failed in writing a daily blog. It hasn't been daily. And it's amazing how when you let it go one day, it is way easier to let it go the next day. For me, this is the same in everything I do. I have trouble getting back on the horse. Even as I see it happen there is an excuse in my mind that seems absolutely plausible and real.....I'm too busy, I haven't got a fresh thought in my head, I'm so tired. I am really none of these things. I think I am lazy. Nope, that's not it either. I love to do it except, I notice, when I am not feeling good enough, or can't do it well enough, or felt I didn't do it, or don't do it well enough. Well enough for who? Maybe I am lazy too?

Anyway, here I am.
I have had lots of inspiration to write but haven't anyway.

I have been reading the book, Doppler, to Don every morning. It's about a man who moves into the forest and befriends a moose. They live together in a tent. He makes me laugh at his view of the life he left behind.....consumerism, niceness.

We have also been sharing a book by Dr. Dorian Paskowitz, Surfing and Health. The man is radical. And I love it. He left the world too and lived in a car with his wife for the first 25 years of their marriage. They also had 9 children.

I listened to two authors speak tonight at the library. They are natural storytellers. I was jealous.

So all these things have a theme and they have gurgled in my mind.

Sometimes I think that I just like everyone else and everyone feels like I do. But then I ask and they say they don't. I wonder if they do but don't know it. Or maybe I really am weird.

Bryon Katie says that when she walks into a room she knows that everyone loves her - but they don't all know it yet.

The Bodies of Grownups

The Bodies of Grownups 

The bodies of grownups

come with stretchmarks and scars,

faces that have been lived in,

relaxed breasts and bellies,

backs that give trouble, 

and well-worn feet:

flesh that is particular, 

and obviously mortal.

They also come

with bruises on their heart,

wounds they can't forget,

and each of them

a company of lovers in their soul

who will not return

and cannot be erased.

And yet I think there is a flood of beauty

beyond the smoothness of youth;

and my heart aches for that grace of longing

that flows through bodies

no longer straining to be innocent,

but yearning for redemption.

by Janet Morely

Bird Hat

I put my bird hat on today and left the car in the driveway.
Snow and blizzardy weather. A real winter. Yeehaa!

We walked to Pierre Shryer and friends concert at St.Paul's United. He is such a wonderful performer (fiddler) and we are so lucky that he makes his home in Thunder Bay. And Thunder Bay loves him!

Things I learned today.

I learned that McRibs have very little meat in them but they do have rubber as in shoes and yoga mats.

I learned that speaking in the first person when you have a dilemma is way better than telling someone how you think they should be doing something. I feel this - as opposed to - you are supposed to........ There is never anything to defend anyway.

I learned that sometimes it's good to just sit down and keep quiet. It keeps you out of trouble.

I learned that it is easier to enjoy washing the stairs and floors at work when I think about the workout I am getting and the weight I might be losing.

I learned to never trust the dog not to sit in my chair.

I learned that I am a messier person than I thought.

I learned that everyone is always doing the best they can.

And that's it!

Food

Don and I have thrown out anything we know about food. We're starting fresh.
What to eat?
We loaded up on veggies today. And fruit. We'll start with those.
Don is rummaging around in the cupboard looking for something to eat before bed. I had an apple and a banana and 5 almonds.

Tomorrow we are having mung bean soup (here are the beans soaking).

I love throwing things out of my mind and then restocking with something else!

NOWW Charles Wilkins

I had brunch with a writer today. Charles Wilkins. I won his book for getting a ticket early. How fun is that! I love his amazing way of seeing and describing the most ordinary moments as extraordinary. He travelled with the Great Wallenda Circus, hauling elephants and tigers, (he says the smelliest of animals), along the northern Ontario highway: "I imagined a bear emerging from her den, confused and dopey after months of hibernation, taking her first great whiff of spring and getting not just the essences of the North -- of hemlock, creek water, and birch sap -- but of the Asian jungles and plains, of elephants and tigers, alarms shocking to the point of sending her whimpering back to her hideaway, protective of her brood." (And since I have been hibernating at home for a few weeks, I felt a little dopey too this morning).

Ahhh, it was really fun listening to Charlie read and tell stories of his life as a writer. I have always romanticized the life of a writer. I still do.

I have had a love affair with books, and therefore, and naturally, writers, since I was a little girl and someone brought us a big, big boxful of books. I smelled them. I catalogued them. I looked at them. I tried to read them. After that, I often got books as gifts from my parents. I treasured all of them. I think writers are amazing. Words placed in an order that can move me to laugh. Or cry. Or giggle. Or get mad. I love how sometimes I understand some message from a book without understanding the words. The words just seem to form into a more tangible mass, completely different from the words, and I feel it but can't identify it further.

The day was presented by NOWW -- Northwestern Ontario Writers Workshop
www.nowwriters.org

Simplification

I want to simplify my life. There has to be a way even though it doesn't seem possible to drop anything. I just assume I have to drop something. Hmmmm.

Does simplifying life mean that I have to get rid of things? Does it mean that I have to get rid of the things I do? The hobbies? The friends? The work? The cooking? The cleaning?

Moving? House to apartment? No shovelling, no gardening, no maintenance, no painting.....

No car?

Maybe just emptying some thoughts from my head? Getting rid of books?

Relax into crankiness

Somewhere along the way, the way of today, I started to feel negative. Everything felt wrong instead of right. I felt that everything I did was an obligation. Usually things feel like serving or giving. I disliked all the stuff I had to do. Tried to change the things I was doing. Felt guilty about feeling cranky. I shouldn't feel this negative, blah, blah, blah..... 

It is amazing to see how quickly negativity spirals downward. I saw a friend and told her I was feeling negative and in the telling I felt worse because it didn't feel like me talking. I felt like an alien had invaded me today. I came home late from my cleaning job, walking, grumbling. I knew I should just choose for peace or snuggled up to my crankiness so I did that. It worked for a moment. Then a few more steps. Crankiness. Peace. Crankiness. I felt like a bloody yo-yo. Up. Down. Up. Down. 

I told Don when I came home. I said I need help! (I have no tolerance for crankiness). Talk about not accepting things as they are. Anyway, I was just about to phone another Ishaya teacher, someone I trust to be more conscious than me at the moment. Ahh, shoot. I can do this. No I can't. Phone. I shared this with Don and in the sharing of it my ego(mind)(bunch of thoughts) just let go and I said okay I am going to call someone. He is staring at me. He said to look in a mirror. That I don't need anything. It's already gone. I could feel myself smiling. We broke out laughing. It really did feel like some alien jumped on me for a while and then it was gone. 

It would all have been easier if I could have just relaxed into my crankiness and trusted that this too shall pass.

Winter bear

A few days ago I said I was going to be a spring bear. It hasn't happened. And as you haven't seen a new blog for days it is proof that I am still hibernating.

I read a novel. Really good and even amazing how it reflected some of my mood. The Bone People by Keri Hulme.

I've tried to clean up my emails. I remember a time when I cleared them all by the end of the day. Not a chance any time soon.

My friend's husband passed away. You know how some people are married or together with someone for years and it seems they are just together. These two were not. They were really bonded, soul-mates, partners. It has made me think about life. What is it about? What is really important......and after a while I couldn't find much importance......except have I loved enough? Have I shown up enough as me? Or am pretending to be who I think I should be?

My cousin, Vuokko, from Finland, sent me a card. A beautiful card with a loving message. It brought me to thinking about her and I. I left Finland with my parents when I was 2 years old. Vuokko was 3 years old. The next time I saw her I was 18 years old. And I remember how we stared at each other. Not knowing what to say. Or how to be. We were cousins. And we didn't know each other. I remember her showing me a little chair that my dad had made me. A chair we left behind. I was jealous and sad. My chair! And I never got to sit in it. But she did. I think the saddest thing for me growing up was not having a family. (besides my mom and dad and little brother). I left my grammas, one I never saw again, and one I saw again as an 18 year old and it felt so weird. She was cute and lovely and I knew nothing about her. I saw other relatives that I didn't know I even had. My dad had a brother who hugged and hugged me. My family!

Hibernation.......

I woke up as a bear

This morning I woke up on my belly, one leg dangling over the side of the bed, the other wrapped around a pillow. I thought that this feels like I am a bear. A bear that has spent yesterday scavenging at the dump and has slept fitfully.  And all of a sudden, I was wide awake and it is even now before 6 am! I used to be a kind of bear that woke up early like this but for a while I have gone to bed later, eaten later, slept later and growled on getting up. I know it is winter and time to hibernate but now days are getting longer or so I've been told. (It doesn't seem like it). Today I will pretend to be a spring bear and eat fresh greens and fish and berries.....frozen. Good morning world! It is a new day and I can be how I choose to be. Fresh and brand new and creative.

Enough!

I just ate the rest of the cocoa truffles. Before that I ate the rest of the turkey kielbasa. I suppose I should just through out what I don't want to eat anymore. Of course, the truffles could have stayed in their box for a long time before going bad. If they are there I eat them. They were delicious. I am having a bit of remorse now.

I would like to go through every cupboard in the house and just dump the stuff I don't want to eat anymore. However, there is something in me that insists I try to eat it. After all, it's there, already paid for, and there are hungry people in the world. Hmpf!

Okay, there is always tomorrow. I used to say that a lot........I will start tomorrow. I know that is so pathetic because when tomorrow comes there is another tomorrow right after that. And another. So, it never comes, te he! Yeah, I know - there is only now, right now. Alright already. I won't eat another thing right now, just have some water and go to bed. Cheerio!

Time

Yesterday morning my mom called from Australia to wish me a happy new year. Her "time" is 15 hours ahead of mine. I was talking to her in 2012 and she was already in 2013. Strange that we put so much value in time, which at some time we made up a concept and a way to track this moment to the next moment and so on. Time appears to flow from left to right, doesn't it? What if it's really up and down? I can understand circular better myself. From moon to moon. From rising sun to setting sun to rising sun. That makes sense to me.

Things take time.
Thoughts take time.
There is no time like Now.
Backward thinking? Is that going into the past?
Thinking ahead? Is that going into the future?

AND FOR NO REASON

And

For no reason

I turn into a leaf

That is carried so high

I kiss the Sun's mouth

And dissolve.

And 

For no reason

A thousand birds

Choose my head for a conference table,

Start passing their

Cups of wine

And their wild songbooks all around.

And

For every reason in existence

I begin to eternally,

To eternally laugh and love!

When I turn into a leaf

And start dancing,

I run to kiss our beautiful Friend

And I dissolve in the Truth

That I Am.

HAFIZ