Somewhere along the way, the way of today, I started to feel negative. Everything felt wrong instead of right. I felt that everything I did was an obligation. Usually things feel like serving or giving. I disliked all the stuff I had to do. Tried to change the things I was doing. Felt guilty about feeling cranky. I shouldn't feel this negative, blah, blah, blah.....
It is amazing to see how quickly negativity spirals downward. I saw a friend and told her I was feeling negative and in the telling I felt worse because it didn't feel like me talking. I felt like an alien had invaded me today. I came home late from my cleaning job, walking, grumbling. I knew I should just choose for peace or snuggled up to my crankiness so I did that. It worked for a moment. Then a few more steps. Crankiness. Peace. Crankiness. I felt like a bloody yo-yo. Up. Down. Up. Down.
I told Don when I came home. I said I need help! (I have no tolerance for crankiness). Talk about not accepting things as they are. Anyway, I was just about to phone another Ishaya teacher, someone I trust to be more conscious than me at the moment. Ahh, shoot. I can do this. No I can't. Phone. I shared this with Don and in the sharing of it my ego(mind)(bunch of thoughts) just let go and I said okay I am going to call someone. He is staring at me. He said to look in a mirror. That I don't need anything. It's already gone. I could feel myself smiling. We broke out laughing. It really did feel like some alien jumped on me for a while and then it was gone.
It would all have been easier if I could have just relaxed into my crankiness and trusted that this too shall pass.
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